【心情电台】所有青春都流失于怀念

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所有青春都流失于怀念 难得清净的夜晚,我又舍不得睡了。每天面对忙碌与各项琐碎不断,甚至有些局促,这两日可能是很久没有睡好之后突然放松下来,半夜里却总是醒过来,看看楼群间奚落的灯光,非常平淡而温暾的感觉。不像是我走在路上,从来不觉得有什么可以让我感怀。 梦见前年冬天送阿扬走的那个清晨,微微的光亮里晨曦渐渐升起,点亮整座城市。当列车驶出站台的时候巨大的光亮突然照进来,像是天堂的入口,什么都看不见了,只有刺眼的白。然后醒来,努力回想当时我并没有送阿扬到站台,因为太冷了,自己坐1路车回家的路上冻得哭了一小会儿。那个冬天,没什么话想对人说,也没什么事情可以做,于是每天都睡的很久很久。那时候没有方向,现在想想,其实也是挺可怕的事情。 最近特别迷Lucy Iris的《Learning Your Way》。是不是这样一个梦也是因为这样一首歌的原因。不清楚。已经很长时间没有新歌可以听。每天不管多晚回到家打开电脑就是Lifehouse和My Chemical Romance的几张专辑反复响起,有时还有雨水敲打窗户噼噼啪啪的响声,令这不冷不暖的房间里凄迷暗合,跌宕不休,白天说过的话夜晚听过的歌就这样在接下来的睡眠里被烫伤,甚至梦里的泪水也是暗红消长,似是天真的鬼魅,似有似无的寂静声响,似是琉璃的冰霜,似是我再也无法梦见你到天色渐亮。 两场大雨过后,秋天就真的来了。即便仍旧有着夏季的鲜艳,但兴许是多半阴天,眼目所及皆是灰凉。白天也变得窄了,稀落的人群和躲在安静空间的自己,断了联系的某一朵温室小花,自顾倾城,快门和玻璃,伤怀无嫉。 昨天明明到我家来,我翻出中学时的日记跟她显摆我也有个白衣飘飘的年代。流年,已是尘埃累累,日记本里细密的钢笔字迹暗淡且纸张干涩,每一页都几乎有大片的留白,那时候的少年想着日后会有个自己来阅读并且会试图说些什么,而早早的打算似乎并未预料到多年之后我已对这些零碎的小事小情小理想小愁怨无言以对。只觉得之前小小的自己和如今不知道要如何定义的自己仅仅是一个灵魂所衍生的两个侧面,各有千面,不凌乱。只是无从考察何时倾注了这一脉忧伤至今。字里的梦,痛惜未到伤心之时,或许有许多转机,梦里的心,若到了绝地,那些年轻的字是不是便可随风去?而我流离飘摇的命运,始终悬于一线,一线亦难牵引,几乎再写不出什么动情的字句。

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八月了,件件琐碎的事情都要结束了,与此同时又有新的事情砸过来,这就是生活吧,面对日日繁复的工作和不可逃避的生活现实,人的内心一点点变得倦殆而盲目,就是如此被摧毁。而我能不能若无其事,就此安静的浮沉和来去。 就像那一天,在恩格贝草原,你并不知道,我多么希望站在那片高高的芦苇地里面对夕阳,身旁能有你。 节目:心情电台Vol.2 所有青春都流失于怀念

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